Myspace...

Posting a new short poem on my myspace page. Go take a looksie.


www.myspace.com/makeitbleed0

Medication.

I've been off and on an anti-depressant for different parts of my life. Mostly off. Recenly quit taking my meds...mostly because I couldn't afford to get new ones, but also becuase I wanted to do it without. I honestly feel that I need to be on something...at least at this point in my life. I get angry SO easily and it always comes out on the wrong people. I cry over NOTHING and EVERYTHING. I can't get my head to shut up with the non-sense that goes on in my head.

The shi* that goes through my heads makes me literally crazy...I don't know what's real, what's not, what's an elaborate story....and what's my intuition...and I don't know how to tell what's what.

Mental disorders run THICK in my family...and I've been "lucky" enough to be blessed with slight insanity.

Can I do it without medication? I don't know...but right at this moment, I need to be taking it...because I feel that I can be a danger in many aspects to myself.

Self worth...In MY eyes.

I will no longer make my self worth and validation be from men.

I want to be the only one that is in charge of ME and MY self worth and MY validation. Living solely on others thoughts, opinions govern how I feel about ME, is NEVER EVER going to benefit me in anyway.

I'm proud of myself. I feel great. I feel beautiful. I feel amazing. I feel confident. ALL ON MY OWN.

Letting go....

If only it were this easy. There are times I wish that I could let go and move on..and not look back. But it's not that easy this time around...because I love him.

Not only do I love him, but I feel like my heart is deeply intwined with him and I don't know HOW to let go.

Honesty....What's the cost?

"We tell lies when we are afraid...afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." --Tad Williams--

We all lie. ALL of us. Lies come in many different forms. Sometimes I find myself being TOO honest about myself...and I apologize TOO much for expressing how I feel, what I've shared, etc.

I'm curently running into a barrier. I'm working on being honest with myself and with others. And since I've decided to do this, I see SO much "FAKE" all around me. I see people covered in their own lies about themselves...and it's frustrtating and saddening.

I've always been a passive person. And I'd like to be a bit more "agressive". Not mean, but more open with what I'm feeling. I also feel like I have SO many in my life that are living self defeating patterns/lives (me included). There have been some things coming up lately that affect me in one way or another with others...and I feel like I need to say certain things. I don't always have the most tactful way of saying things....But I'm really working on having a voice.

The more that I do this, the more I seem to hurt people or piss people off. Am I missing something here? Or is it them, completely living in defense because they know I'm right? I really don't feel like I'm doing any wrong in the things I'm sharing or expressing. I mean, I definitely could be a bit more tactful at times, but I don't ever want to apologize for how I'm feeling in that moment. I don't call names, I'm not a nasty person...But if I feel like you are being selfish, I may just tell you that you're being selfish. That's just a generic example.

I'm feeling REALLY stuck. SO stuck that I don't even really know what to write at this moment.

I'm in a supervisor at my job. Part of why I asked for this position (yes, I asked for it) is so that I can step out of being SO passive all the time. But I find that people are always mad or upset with me when I call them out on something they are doing that is not ok (at work in this case). And in my pesronal life, I've been encouraged to share my feelings and thoughts...but then when I do so, those exact people that were encouraging, sometimes even pushing me to share, get hurt and offended by me.

So...WHAT DO I DO???

Today

Today is a new day.





I feel like I have so much that I want to write, but my mind is so tired and foggy. I recently had staph/strep in my eyeball...(Super gross). While at the doctor for that on Friday, I had him draw my blood to see why I've been so tired, why I'm taking so long to heal from the smallest bruises, etc.





So I got my labs back Monday. And I'm extremely anemic. I've been anemic off and on since my Jr. High days, but this is the worst it's ever been (that I'm aware of). Normal levels are between 12 and 200. I'm at a 5. Not so good. It causes me to be SO super tired and my body hurts.





I can get the shots, which is probably what I'll do...I just have to make sure that my insurance covers them. They hurt....It's a huge long needle, that goes in your hip (as the call it...it's more like your upper butt). The iron is thick and black like tar. It's super gross...and it hurts. You can feel it slowly travel down your leg as they shoot it in. I have permanent tension in those muscles from getting the shots when I was in Highschool. BUT, the shots are more beneficial at this stage than just taking supplements.





I have other things going on right now, but I won't post what those are...Not yet.





I've also gotten off of the anti-depressant that I've been on. Lexapro. I love taking it...It truly helps level me off...But I can't afford it. Hopefully I can learn to manage my OWN state so that I don't have to be on medications anymore. But in the mean time, I feel like I suffer from temporary insanity. It comes in burts. I get angry really easy...Not a good thing. I feel bad when I get that upset because it usually hurts someone who hasn't done anything to me.





Anyway- I'd really like to write more...but man...I just feel SO wiped out!

Fall time is in the air!! I can smell it, I can feel it!! And i LOVE it so much. October through December is my absolute most favorite time of the year...Hands down. I have so many good memories and feelings throughout those months. I can't wait!!

I'd really like to have a Halloween Birthday party this year...I'd love Sober Down to play, in their costumes, everyone else in their costumes...I'd love it so much. It will happen.

Anyway-

I'll come back later for more I'm sure.

"Be humble. Be calm. Be brave. Be strong. Be peaceful. Be ready."

F*** YOU.

That is the point I have reached, YET AGAIN.

Why am I putting out SO much time and energy towards a person who is so hot and cold in return.

I am a hopeless romantic and so the SMALLEST thing leads me on to believe that things will be back to how they used to be and that all would be ok, blah, blah, blah.

But that's not the truth. And I don't want to put out any more time and energy towards something that I don't even know will ever be an option again.

Back to square one of ignoring, avoiding, etc.

WTF.

His loss.